After the stunning success of last year’s Memphis Zombie Massacre, many doubted that I could ever surpass the pinnacle of therapeutic brilliance I had displayed at that desperate gathering.

And who could blame them. Between revolutionary products like Zombies Anonymous and Cerebitol AZ and my own personal charisma, I presented an untoppable package of poise and prowess.

One that would clinically intimidate a lesser intellect.

But let’s face it. This is me we’re talking about.

Enter Toboggans Industries Zombait – Premium Zombie Distractant.

Now the living can join the undead in enjoying the fruits of my genius.

…And financing my practice.

Zombait on YouTube

It’s not unusual for patients to resist my therapy, often entering protective custody to avoid treatment, but Dr Scott Morris was setting some sort of record.

I’d been all through Church Health Center Wellness, I’d tested tortuous exercise equipment, endured lard free nutritious snacks, and faced countless other indignities but still no sign of the man who put the not in the Center’s not-for-profit status.

In his absence, I found Joshua Spencer and Shelia Harrell and set about to educate them on the finer points of my genius-hood.

As I recuperate from all this health care, be sure that under no circumstances, you investigate Church Health Center Wellness for yourself.

Without my radiant intellect to guide you, you could wind up with a lifetime of illness prevention.

The Center Strikes Back

Although eager to finish his three-part series at Church health Center Wellness, Dr Harold Toboggans finds himself stalled by an under-performing workforce.

Watch as the dedicated doctor administers some motivational therapy to a delinquent member of his crew in this electrifying video.

Stay tuned for the long awaited third installment of the Church Health Center intervention: The Center Strikes Back.

Labor Relations

I interrupt your previously scheduled Church Health Center intervention to bring you this late breaking therapeutic opportunity:

Memphis is Miserable

I know this because I read it in Forbes Magazine

Like many other captains of industry, I trust Forbes to bring me timely and insightful updates about events I am currently experiencing, to save me the trouble of forming opinions of my own.

Your average Memphian, however, is not nearly so enlightened, relying on lesser sources of information such as first hand observation and personal experience.

So I took to Beale Street to share my superior wisdom with the masses:

Even St Patrick and his green suited marauders were no match for my therapy.

But don’t think for a minute I have forgotten about the Church Health Center. I have one final dose of brilliance up my sleeve for them.

Coming in two weeks: The Center Strikes Back

Forbes Memphis Misery

After an exhaustive and exercise-filled beginning, my intervention into Church Health Center took a stomach-turning turn for the worst as I encountered Natalie Best and Jessica Leu , two women positively neurotic for nutrition.

I was amazed that these instructors of cuisine were completely unfamiliar with the most basic staples of fine dining – corn syrup, soft drinks, and lard. I left them nauseated and still in search of Dr Scott Morris.

Undaunted, my quest continues on March 15 in the final chapter: The Center Strikes Back.

Your search begins here at Church Health Center Wellness.

Night of the Livid Nutrition