Memphis is Miserable

I know this because I read it in Forbes Magazine

Like many other captains of industry, I trust Forbes to bring me timely and insightful updates about events I am currently experiencing, to save me the trouble of forming opinions of my own.

Your average Memphian, however, is not nearly so enlightened, relying on lesser sources of information such as first hand observation and personal experience.

So I took to Beale Street to share my superior wisdom with the masses:

Forbes Memphis Misery

Even St Patrick and his green suited marauders were no match for my therapy.

But don’t think for a minute I have forgotten about the Church Health Center. I have one final dose of brilliance up my sleeve for them.

Coming in two weeks: The Center Strikes Back

Night of the Livid Nutrition

I was amazed that these instructors of cuisine were completely unfamiliar with the most basic staples of fine dining – corn syrup, soft drinks, and lard. I left them nauseated and still in search of Dr Scott Morris.

Undaunted, my quest continues on March 15 in the final chapter: The Center Strikes Back.

Your search begins here at Church Health Center Wellness.

In fact, during the ensuring interviews, if it were not for the peak of perfection in which I keep both body and mind, mangers Kimberly Baker and Richard Murphy might have wrestled the investigation from my unwavering control.

But of course they did not.

Enter the Wellnness

Strangely, even though they spilled information like a ruptured water main, I still found myself no closer to finding founding physician Dr. Scott Morris.

My search continues in part two: “Night of the Livid Nutrition” airing on March 1^st.

Begin you own investigation of CHC Wellness here.

The CHCW came to my attention like so many others do, with an anonymous e-mail tip reporting of questionably compassionate behavior and chronic do-goodery – so I launched a routine surveillance with wiretaps, thermal scanners, and some x-ray goggles I ordered out of the back of a magazine.

Deep Under Cover

I knew something was amiss when I heard the words “not-for-profit” and “medical care” in the same sentence,  co-joined like a two-headed dragon of financial ruin.

And when I discovered their tinkering with non-FDA approved treatments like “prevention” and “exercise,” I knew it was time to strike.

Church Health Wellness – trailer

If ever an intervention was called for – quite loudly and in angry tones – it is  at Church Health Center Wellness.

And answer the call, I shall. Not just once, but three times.

That’s right; I have devised a therapy for these hope-mongers that is so potent, and frankly alarming, that I must separate it into three doses for fear of burning out the internet and plunging the world into chaos.

“Is that the internet again? I smell smoke.”

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Part one of this intensive three-part mini-session will enlighten your existence on February 15^th.

Part two will transform your psyche on March 1^st.

And part three will detonate  your dysfunctions on March 15^th.

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If you miss these sessions, your life will grow so drab and meaningless that when you finally do return to therapy I will charge you double .

Unless of course I am already charging you double, in which case you’ll eligible for my new triple-dip pricing program.

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-Doctor Harold Toboggans -anti-philanthropoloist at large

As a former Bud Light Daredevil, Cobb grew accustomed to ignoring the demands of gravity and when he launched the Tennessee SuperLab Show with its blend of backyard science, impromptu invention, and crazy stunts, things got even worse.

If it were not for my timely intervention, Cobb might still be spiraling wildly out of all bounds.

Mind Over Memphis – Tennessee SuperLabs

It will not come easy, surely not without AFITE,* but I will cure Guy Cobb even if it takes every nickel he’s got.

-Dr Harold Toboggans – genius at large

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*American Federation of Internet Tinkerers and Experimenteers.

Some nine years ago, armed with only a credit card and a dream, he set out to “fill a need” he saw for the musical and spiritual training of christian musicians and ended up with a full-blown music college for his troubles.

Talk about overcompensating.

Fortunately for him and his students, I am on the case.

Mind Over Memphis – Visible School

With the help of my clinical intervention, and a great deal of cash, I hope to soon set Steorts on a more lucrative and fulfilling course of education, one spent on a more financially endowed student body composed quite possibly of accountants, assassins or even personal injury attorneys.

But until my treatment can take full effect, you can see the current musical mandate of Visible School here.

-Dr Harold Toboggans –  living gift to education.

His Nightshade Manor facility, although billed as a haunted house, is actually a first class psychiatric clinic, specializing in what I like to call “adrenal-assault therapy.*”

Unfortunately, closer examination reveals Gaiman to be riddled with generosity, compassion, and other mental shortcomings.

Unlike myself and other reputable therapists, Kevin pays his staff, and worse still, regularly offers discounted admission to the public.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Mind Over Memphis – Nightshade Manor

That’s right. Nightshade Manor brutally lops off $2 of each ticket price for those bearing two items of canned food for the Mid-South Food Bank.

This condition has gotten so bad that over five tons of food have been collected and…how it pains me to say it…donated over the last three years.

Clearly, I reached the man just in time.

He’s a difficult case, but with lots of work, and a small fortune, I’ll have Kevin Gaiman back to adequacy before you can say, “feeding the hungry.”

-Dr Harold Toboggans –philaphro-repression specialist.

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*The principle behind this therapy is simple: the alarming ambiance and disturbing cast of characters elevate a patient’s blood pressure and anxiety until their neuroses simply burst out of them like eggs in a microwave, but without all the sulfury residue

Curing the do-gooders and creatives of Memphis one session at a time…

Mind Over Memphis Trailer

Send it to everyone you care about.