After the stunning success of last year’s Memphis Zombie Massacre, many doubted that I could ever surpass the pinnacle of therapeutic brilliance I had displayed at that desperate gathering.

And who could blame them. Between revolutionary products like Zombies Anonymous and Cerebitol AZ and my own personal charisma, I presented an untoppable package of poise and prowess.

One that would clinically intimidate a lesser intellect.

But let’s face it. This is me we’re talking about.

Enter Toboggans Industries Zombait – Premium Zombie Distractant.

Now the living can join the undead in enjoying the fruits of my genius.

…And financing my practice.

Zombait on YouTube

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It had been a long day at the Cooper Young Fest. I had cured countless people of their repulsive partyofilia, and as a brief and entirely insufficient reward for my services, I let my mighty mind wander for a bit to my own concerns.

My thoughts drifted to my winter wardrobe and certain additions it required.

I needed something attractive yet intimidating, something that radiated my native intelligence, competence and psychiatric power.

What, I wondered, could be more perfect for a therapist of my prestige than a beagle-skin blazer?

So I set off in search of one.

There wasn’t much in the way of domestic fur-goods among the festival booths, which were more geared towards art, crafts, and other desperate cries for professional attention, but still I persevered.

And at last I found it. The solution to my winter outerwear dilemma: a booth simply titled Dog Coats.

Watch as I skillfully negotiate for a garment with the proprietor in this video:

Alas, I -Doctor Harold Toboggans -was bitterly disappointed by the outcome and feared nothing would ever lift my spirits.

That is until I received a custom poem from the Memphis Writers Ensemble.

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As I made my rounds through the Cooper Young Infest, curing hordes of hapless revelers from the dreaded plague of Partyophilia, I kept a sharp eye out for associate therapists to add to my corporate stable.

Many lesser psychiatrists feel threatened by potential competition, but not I.

That’s right my patients, Doctor Harold Toboggans relishes the presence of useful individuals, people  who even though helpless to add to my staggering wealth of knowledge and talent, might at least serve to expand my list of billable services.

Specifically, by doing the actual work themselves.

And in Deborah Camp and Michael Correll of the Mid-South Spay and Neuter Services, I think I made a real find.

They are dedicated, snip-happy individuals, and other than their minor lapse in judgment by offering to remove a man of my unique wisdom and stature from the gene pool, they seem to display all of the poise, assurance, and spontaneous surgical instincts required of my junior therapists.

And since their operation is non-profit, they should feel at home with my pay scale

See it all for yourself in this adrenaline-packed video:

Fixing Doctor Toboggans

Sadly I was not so fortunate at the next booth, where I had hoped in invest in a profitable puppy scalping ring. See my disappointment in the upcoming and tragic dog coats video.

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One of the many benefits of being a therapeutic genius is that my boundless reserves of skill and intellect are so massively beyond what is considered normal for a human being, it leaves me completely immune to intimidation.

Yes my patients, so confident am I –Doctor Harold Toboggans – in my extreme mentality and sheer masculinity, that even the most violent, aggressive and surly of women leave me completely non threatened.

Even if they seem out to beat me at my own racket.

So when I encountered the ladies of Memphis Roller Derby out promoting their own brand of full-contact therapy at the Cooper Young Festival, I didn’t even pause to panic.

But I did make them an offer that no one in their right mind could resist.

Observe my gracious proposal in this jaw-dropping video:

Memphis Roller Derby – Too Smooth for Toboggans

If you that thought that was awkward, just wait to see what surprise the fine representatives of the Mid-South Spay and Neuter Services offered me.

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Even at group therapy sessions as large as the Cooper Young Festival, I -Doctor Harold Toboggans – am always on the lookout for potential therapy affiliates, people with the proper skill, courage, and attitude to carry the Toboggans line of fine therapy products into an ever wider funnel of finance.

The pickings are slim, so to speak, for very few individuals have the mental toughness required to properly assault clients into their full potential.

But Jessica Puckett of Midtown Acupuncture just might be ready.

Watch as she threads her way through a grueling franchise interview in the following video

Doctor Toboggans at Midtown Acupuncture

Even as jaded as I occasionally become to my own brilliance, I was still amazed by my observational skills when I discovered still more franchise candidates over at the Memphis Roller Derby booth. Video coming soon.

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Jessica proudly (and unwittingly) endorses Toboggans Industries Organ Needles

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