It’s not unusual for patients to resist my therapy, often entering protective custody to avoid treatment, but Dr Scott Morris was setting some sort of record.

I’d been all through Church Health Center Wellness, I’d tested tortuous exercise equipment, endured lard free nutritious snacks, and faced countless other indignities but still no sign of the man who put the not in the Center’s not-for-profit status.

In his absence, I found Joshua Spencer and Shelia Harrell and set about to educate them on the finer points of my genius-hood.

As I recuperate from all this health care, be sure that under no circumstances, you investigate Church Health Center Wellness for yourself.

Without my radiant intellect to guide you, you could wind up with a lifetime of illness prevention.

The Center Strikes Back

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I interrupt your previously scheduled Church Health Center intervention to bring you this late breaking therapeutic opportunity:

Memphis is Miserable

I know this because I read it in Forbes Magazine

Like many other captains of industry, I trust Forbes to bring me timely and insightful updates about events I am currently experiencing, to save me the trouble of forming opinions of my own.

Your average Memphian, however, is not nearly so enlightened, relying on lesser sources of information such as first hand observation and personal experience.

So I took to Beale Street to share my superior wisdom with the masses:

Even St Patrick and his green suited marauders were no match for my therapy.

But don’t think for a minute I have forgotten about the Church Health Center. I have one final dose of brilliance up my sleeve for them.

Coming in two weeks: The Center Strikes Back

Forbes Memphis Misery

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After an exhaustive and exercise-filled beginning, my intervention into Church Health Center took a stomach-turning turn for the worst as I encountered Natalie Best and Jessica Leu , two women positively neurotic for nutrition.

I was amazed that these instructors of cuisine were completely unfamiliar with the most basic staples of fine dining – corn syrup, soft drinks, and lard. I left them nauseated and still in search of Dr Scott Morris.

Undaunted, my quest continues on March 15 in the final chapter: The Center Strikes Back.

Your search begins here at Church Health Center Wellness.

Night of the Livid Nutrition

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I knew from the outset that my intervention at Church Health Center Wellness would be a rough one, but I never suspected how quickly things would get physical.

In fact, during the ensuring interviews, if it were not for the peak of perfection in which I keep both body and mind, mangers Kimberly Baker and Richard Murphy might have wrestled the investigation from my unwavering control.

But of course they did not.

Strangely, even though they spilled information like a ruptured water main, I still found myself no closer to finding founding physician Dr. Scott Morris.

My search continues in part two: “Night of the Livid Nutrition” airing on March 1^st.

Begin you own investigation of CHC Wellness here.

Enter the Wellness

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Of all the institutions I have dealt with in my long and exceptionally gifted career, quite possibly the most misguided is Church Health Center Wellness.

The CHCW came to my attention like so many others do, with an anonymous e-mail tip reporting of questionably compassionate behavior and chronic do-goodery – so I launched a routine surveillance with wiretaps, thermal scanners, and some x-ray goggles I ordered out of the back of a magazine.

Deep Under Cover

I knew something was amiss when I heard the words “not-for-profit” and “medical care” in the same sentence,  co-joined like a two-headed dragon of financial ruin.

And when I discovered their tinkering with non-FDA approved treatments like “prevention” and “exercise,” I knew it was time to strike.

If ever an intervention was called for – quite loudly and in angry tones – it is  at Church Health Center Wellness.

And answer the call, I shall. Not just once, but three times.

That’s right; I have devised a therapy for these hope-mongers that is so potent, and frankly alarming, that I must separate it into three doses for fear of burning out the internet and plunging the world into chaos.

“Is that the internet again? I smell smoke.”

—

Part one of this intensive three-part mini-session will enlighten your existence on February 15^th.

Part two will transform your psyche on March 1^st.

And part three will detonate  your dysfunctions on March 15^th.

—

If you miss these sessions, your life will grow so drab and meaningless that when you finally do return to therapy I will charge you double .

Unless of course I am already charging you double, in which case you’ll eligible for my new triple-dip pricing program.

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-Doctor Harold Toboggans -anti-philanthropoloist at large

Church Health Wellness – trailer

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